Coming out of a long and committed relationship is difficult. It’s no different to from closing any chapter in our life. For me, closing a chapter of a relationship was one of the most difficult chapters to close. Another difficult chapter was also a relationship I never quite had.
During my younger years, I had spent a lot of time wondering what could have been with another person. When we met it was like a light lit up inside of me, I’d never quite felt so wanted, and so free to be myself ever before. The difficulty was.. I also saw him as an escape. I came out of years long relationship with a difficult individual, and this person.. gave me a glimpse of a life I’d never experienced, and feelings that were brand new.
Seeing him as an escape was almost more dangerous, because I saw him as something who essentially.. saved me, I suppose. The downside of that, was that I couldn’t be that for them. I was just a passing moment for them, a passing moment that they unfortunately couldn’t let go of. This left me in limbo, and I of course was always hanging by a string, always there.
Unfortunately for the both of us, this was not a good situation. It was a difficult situation where we were both hanging by a thread, knowing at any moment that the thread we are on was about to break.
This was a chapter I didn’t thorough have full control to close, but life circumstances pushed me to close, and now I’m on the other side there’s nothing quite like looking back in awe and nostalgia.
Once you’re on the other side though, it can feel invigorating, sometimes melancholic and sometimes just down right mundane in the best way. Sometimes living in the current moment when you have these high highs, laughter and living like you are the main character of your life. Other times the low lows, the crying, anger and screaming. This becomes exhausting mentally and physically. It leaves you hollow and full all at the same time.
Have you ever sat down and just felt nothing. Well that’s the peace you get from closing a chapter that was disastrous, and exhausting. That’s the peace you should desire from life, because nothing is as good as looking back at a closed chapter and thinking “I made it through that”. It’s a difficult feeling to explain.
Looking back and crying, because you’re so happy. So happy that, that chapter has closed. Looking back at the past, despite how horrible, miserable or exhausting, gives you that feeling of walking through a familiar park, that you quite looked around, but you can now see that the places around are both pretty and some parts just down right horrible, and that’s okay.
Closing chapters seems like an intimidating thing to do, but once you start closing and saying goodbye to things, people and negative emotions, it starts becoming exhilarating. The game of letting go. You finally let go of the fear of, well, letting go.
Letting go can be all of those emotions, sad, scary, happy and joyful. Those are the emotions you are supposed to feel, and some of them can be over power the others, but once you see all of these emotions all exist, and can exist at the same time as these other emotions, then you’ll realise you can figure out a way to balance all of them.
Once you let go, it doesn’t even mean that you’ll fully have let go. The transition can be tough, the days long, and the feelings sometimes overwhelming. However those feelings comes in waves, and their are days of wonderful joy that you can look back, and realise, you’re out the other side, and whether the other side you’re looking at was good or bad, you can look back and be joyous at that situation or being out on the other side.